Colour
by Ame.ten97
Summary: He tries so hard to forget but things like that can never be forgotten. A change is needed from these plain monochromatic colours. A strong colour. Will that be found in time? Or will he fade? Mature content: violence, gore and self-harm/suicidal train of thoughts and bipolar ness and craziness. You have been warned ;n;
1. Chapter 1

Disclaimer: I don't owns black butlerssss.

* * *

><p>"Good morning, Mr. Phantomhive. How was today's breakfast?"<p>

Morning breeze combed Ciel's soft hair. His pale self was in his hospital bed. The wondering mind of his was off elsewhere. He never did pay much attention to the nurses. How could he? They were a constant reminder of his predicaments. A constant reminder that he was all alone in this cold cruel world.

"Would you like to sit up, Mr Phantomhive?"

It was always the same conversation. The same empty and forced conversation. It always hurt to remember. Memory was just pain's forceful ways to resurrect itself.

"Should I get your drawing diary, Mr Phantomhive?"

Of course he bloody did. It was his outlet. It was what kept him sane in this plain hospital room and the strong disinfectant smell. That book was his life. The hues and images he only wished to see with his our two eyes. The pages so marked from use. The smell of the book was so wonderful to him. It was so different to the disinfectant odour.

"Mr Phantomhive, It's time for lunch. What will you be having today?"

This life was so plain. A strong colour is in need. His eyes were still fixed to the window of his room. The sky was always grey. Maybe someday he will find that colour he needs. Needs and desires for a change to this monochromatic shades.

"Mr Phantomhive, it's time to do your check ups."

The hopes and wishes for a new colours had been there for a bit. Years. Years of waiting. Maybe there wasn't going to be any colour in his life. What then? What would happen if he just didn't find tHat strong colour that would change his mind and world? Fear began to run through his body.

"Ciel dear, how are you?"

His parents were here. Joy. They never understood his need for that strong colour. The effort was appreciated but not when the thoughts were interrupted. His blue eyes didn't move from the window. The greys might be turning blue if he did. He didn't want to miss that.

"Ciel?... What have you been drawing?"

The book was shut quickly and pressed close to himself. This was his thoughts and dreams. He certainly didn't what to be exposed of that. No one was allowed to see them. It was his book. His could sense his mother's disappointment. It didn't matter.

"Ciel, everyone is very worried about you, you know. I-if only you could.. Tell us what is wrong.. Is it something we did?"

The sky clouded. His head began hurting with memories. The sky was dark outside. Tears escaped his eyes and he grabbed his head. It began to rain. He didn't want to remember. He wanted to forget. He tried his best to forget. His mind rattled itself. It shook unstably.

"It's best if we leave him alone. We can't really figure out why he won't speak. It's just better if we don't force him to tell us things for now."

Alone again. Maybe it was for the best. The sky outside was still grey. His mind was still shaking. Memories seeping in like hot lava. His sanity burning like anything in the way of the hot lava. His eyes focused on the window again. What was that colour he wanted to find?

* * *

><p>Thanks for reading! This is a new series 3 woo!<p>

||Ame


	2. Chapter 2

A/N: credits to Yana Toboso, owner of Kuroshitsuji. Yay! Chapter 2 is out now and you can expect chapter 3 very soon ;3

* * *

><p>"It would seem that your new patient has made no improvement, Michaelis. Have you spoken to the boy yet?" The director of the hospital staff asked him. Michaelis looked up from the masses of new paperwork he had just received along with his newest patient. His reading glasses slid down his perfectly shaped nose and stared at his boss with a fake smile.<p>

"I haven't yet found the chance, director. I have been busy with the paperwork that came along with him. I must say he is an interesting case. Very misfortunate of the child." His voice held its interested entwined with mocking pity. The director nodded.

"It is very misfortunate. You have to test out the theories and deduce what is the problem with the child. We suspect he has more than one mental illness eating him away. And then of course you will need to treat him." The old man spoke looking sadly at the floor. "That poor boy has been stuck here for too long."

His interest was sparked.

* * *

><p>The maroon eyes stared right ahead as he walked down the mental hospital. His walk came to a holt as Mrs. Phantomhive stopped him. Her concerned and distressed face was concealing her weak fragile state poorly.<p>

"You must be my son's new doctor, I'm Rachel Phantomhive. Please fix my boy.. I don't want to do .. He was never like this.. Never so shut out of reality.." The nurse came out of the room. Rachel looked more distressed.

"Visiting hours are over Mrs Phantomhive." The nurse kindly put her hand on the stressing mother. Rachel refused to move. "No no I must stay"

"I will, Mrs Phantomhive. I assure you that I am most capable of fixing your son. You should go home and rest now." He bowed gentlemanly at Rachel who stared at him a bit confused and dazed. The nurse took the chance to pull her away.

'Poor woman.. By the looks of things this boy is very ill indeed.'

* * *

><p>The doctor in white, entered the room. There in the sick bed sat a young man who was staring at the section of world outside that his window allowed him to see. The doctor cleared his throat. The young man didn't flinch.<p>

"Hello, Ciel. I'm your new doctor." The boy made no movements to turn to him nor did he show signs to be listening. The doctor turned to the book the boy was holding. It was the size of a diary but the cover and pages looked thicker. Sebastian raised an eyebrow.

"What do you see out there?" His voice held curiosity. Ciel hugged his book closer to himself. The book looked to be his dearest possession. The doctor stepped closer to the window. The young man began to fiddle with the ends of his book. Sebastian closed the curtains. The young man's gaze was on his book. He took out a pencil and began to draw quickly on the page, ignoring the doctor that had began to cause him so much internal distress.

"Hmm, not one for words?" Much to great annoyance to Dr. Michaelis his new patience definitely wasn't one for words. 12 years of experience lead him to make a quick assumption. His scarlet eyes looked at the drawings the young man was scribbling and sketching away. After few seconds the boy turned the book around.

_Do you know the colour of the sky?_

The calligraphy was like beautiful and cursive. It was surprising. And the question even further. Surprised the doctor. The window was open had he not seen the sky outside? It made Sebastian frown in concern. Was his new patience mute? Colour-Blind?

"The sky? Well I suppose that is to depend on the mood you wish is holds."

The boy's pale face twitched a bit as if it wanted to look at him yet his mind refused to do so. Slowly his curiosity won him over. His face looked up his eyes were averted. The doctor's eyes focused on the doll-like features on his patient's face. The surprise didn't end there.

The expression in that exposed eye. It was something words couldn't describe it. The solemn sad blue orb manage to fix itself on his own contrasting scarlet ones.

'Ciel Phantomhive... You have got to be my interesting patient so far..'

||Ame


	3. Chapter 3

_"The sky? Well I suppose that is to depend on the mood you wish is holds."_

Those words rang through my head. It had been a few days since I had seen him. His eyes frightened me. They reminded me of the day. That horrible scary day that claimed my voice. Red. So red. Red was a bad colour. It was the colour of anger and blood. Like his eyes. However what I saw in his eyes did not make me think of that. Their hard piercing gaze made me wish I never looked up. It was red but not the bad red. I needed to get away from my thoughts.

My book. It had that phrase he said. It rang so much I needed to write it. I reached into my art case next to my bed. I grabbed the colours I desired to paint with. I had always avoided red. Red is bad. It hadn't always been bad. My aunt adored the colour. It was her colour. Until that night.

I grabbed my head, it hurt to remember. My chest was pained like I was being stabbed by million invisible daggers. They were pounding at my chest. Like that dark night. I tried to suppress it to suppress the painful memories. The door opened. The nurses came in. The constant annoying beeping of my heart monitor began stealing my attention. They grabbed me. Like that night. They pushed me down onto the mattress. It hurt. Everything hurt.

Mother was pushed out of the room. I could hear her crying. Everything was so chaotic and eventful. It was awful. Like a nasty shade of purple or brown. Purple reminded me or bruises and brown was variety of colour mixed to make one emotion. It had to be a mix of both. It repulsed me. I was being strapped to the bed next. Fear coursed through my body. My book was pushed away. The nurses injected some liquid into a tube that had direct access to my vein.

* * *

><p>Darkness followed. Calm and tranquil darkness. Darkness didn't scare me. It made me comfortable and calm. My eyes slowly opened to observe the room around me. Not because I wanted to. A voice had made me open my eyes. My eyes noticed the white coat and ravine hair.<p>

"You gave us a scare, Ciel." It spoke calmly. Not in a scolding way at all. No disappointment. I gazed up and saw those red eyes that I had been thinking before. My gaze held itself to his, disobeying my orders to look away. It was never safe to look at someone's eyes. Never.

"Are you hurting?" He asked me as he approached me. I flinched away with no desire to be touched in the slightest way. He held his hands up like I was holding him up a gun to him. He smiled. That smile confused me further. I don't get why he is here or what happened.

"It's okay, you tell me how close you are comfortable with me around." I stare at him emotionlessly. Then I looked around for my book. It wasn't around. Panic spread through me. I sat up, instantly regretting moving.

"You probably shouldn't move. It's your book right? That what you want?" I look back at him and nod. It shocked me how he was manipulating me to talk. He wouldn't have much luck with my voice though. It disappeared a long time ago. He smiled and pulled it out of his pocket. My eyes instantly focused on the old book. I stared up at him and glared.

"I didn't read it, no need to be upset" a chuckled left his lips. Delivering the book to my arms I held it tight to myself. I could feel his gaze on me. I looked around.

"Pencil?" He extended it to me. I didn't look at him, just the pencil. The pencil was now in my hands. I stared at it for a moment judgementally. The book I was holding to myself was opened and I wrote on a plain page.

_Thanks.. I don't know your name._

I just managed to write and hold it up for him to read. It wasn't very often that I cared but, if he was making the effort to talk to me and take care of my book, then his name is needed. His voice had his smile clipped to it. He was amused by this short exchange.

"My name is Dr Michaelis. But I think you can just call me Sebastian. Only if you're comfortable with it." I pulled the book to myself again and wrote a small reply.

_Sebastian? That's an old name._

_Does it mean anything?_

I bitt my lower lip a bit. It was risky to be talking like this to someone. I haven't done this in a while, so I wonder if I'm doing it right. I turn the book around so he can read it. His deep voice hummed smoothly as he seemed to think and then he chuckled.

"I'm not sure, but yes it is an old name. If I'm correct yours means sky in French correct?" I nod a bit looking away to the side. His gaze made me feel like I have too much attention.

"Do you like colours?" I thought about that for a moment and the turned the book around and flipped to a page were I had the colour I liked most. It was a gradient of a green-grey-black. I'm not sure of the name of it. He stared at him and leaned in a bit closer. I realised the rest was on show and quickly shut the book and looked away.

"It's a wonderful colour." I stared away from him. I brought my knees to myself. I didn't know what he saw but whatever he did I wasn't going to discuss it. I felt awkward with him being here now.

"You have wonderful skill, you know." I look further away and hid my face. "Ciel? May I get a response?" Hesitantly, I wrote on the page we were using before.

_What is there to respond to? You didn't ask a question._

"Hmm, maybe you can tell me why you don't want anyone to see what is inside? You don't have to, before you get uncomfortable. I just want to know why so I can keep the nurses or other doctors from opening it." He sat down at the edge of my bed. I narrowed my eyes at him a bit.

_Because it's private. It has important things inside it that only my eyes should see. Besides it's mine. I see no reason as to why others should see what's mine._

He kept silent for a bit. It made me nervous. I knew he was judging my response. He was probably doing some assessment in his head about the level of medicine they are going to try to shove down my throat.

"I see, so it's a diary?"

_No, it's a collection of colours and pieces that mean something to me._

"Ah I see. Colours are important in that collection, no?"

I nod to affirm his theories to be correct. It was beginning to scare me about telling him this much about this book. I had never had this much attention brought to me since the last time I was at school.

"I have one for myself too." This comment made me glance at him. He grinned at me. It calmed me and intrigued me simultaneously. I had never had a doctor talk like this to me nor tell me stuff that is personal to them. "It's not a collection of colours, though. It's a collection of thoughts and dreams I have."

_so a diary_

His voice once again chuckled at my small response. His gaze moved to the window. Secretly it allowed me to steal a glance. I looked away quickly but looked back to the scene to maybe draw it later. It was a lost glaze he had. Like he was deep in his own thoughts, which I related to perfectly. My hand started sketching the basic lines and shape. My eyes glanced down at the page. I already had the set up ready. I looked up once more to take in more detail, his eyes caught mine however. I turned my face away instantly. Blood rushed to my pale cheeks with embarrassment.

* * *

><p>Thanks for reading!<p>

Sorry for the sudden switch of chaos to peace. I find it very abrupt for some reason but here you have it ^^

||Ame


	4. Chapter 4

A/N: I wouldn't read this unless you are okay with uhh creepy darkish points of views. Creeds to Yana Toboso.

* * *

><p>I have been noticing a few differences as of late. Maybe it the new pills. I have been sleeping less. I don't normally pay attention to this. After all more sleep the less I have to worry about my memories coming back. But lately I'm more awake. I wonder much sleep a human is supposed to have. Maybe it's the lack of pills. I usually take two for sleep and one for vitamins I think they said. It doesn't really matter.<p>

"Mr. Trancy, your breakfast if ready."

I smile up to the lovely nurse. I had my pills this morning. This prevents me from getting violent out of nowhere. It keeps me normal to a degree. Clearly I'm not stable enough to leave this mess of a hospital. I can say that at least I have a few friends. They are a bit broken, but hey, I'm broken too! I normally have issues eating. I get really upset if it's not what I want. Today it was eggs though. I'm okay with eggs. As long as it's cooked properly. It triggers my other side to see the yolk seep out if it isn't. So, eggs are rare.

"Mr. Trancy? Will you be attending group work today?"

Group work was basically a bunch of us broken ones sitting in a circle and chatting. Until Dr. Michaelis or Dr. Faustus try to get us to talk about what we want to improve on. Then they leave and let us interact. Most of the time it's peaceful. I remember this one time some chick started a fight with another. It was amazing.

Anyways, the important piece of that paragraph is Dr. Faustus. He is my doctor. I'm not allowed to do anything but I would if I could. He is the only doctor that can calm me down when I'm off pills. He is sooooooooo hot. Ugh, I can feel myself drool sometimes. I don't but I wish we could have extra time alone. I know it's wrong because he is like 20 something and I'm like 15 buuuuuuuttttttttt, you haven't seen him. And he smells so goood! Okay okay, Alois. Get a grab of your booty and sit it down on your seat and don't drool.

Sometimes I hate myself so much for acting so inappropriate. I really don't want to. I, however, have no control of my body when I'm my other me. I'm outrageous and too clingy for my liking. And then I get upset and just want to hurt myself or someone to release that anger. I'm too spoiled I think. Sometimes I shouldn't get what I want but, the other me then gets aggressive. And then doctor Faustus get to the scene. I have done such awful things. So awful that I don't deserve to be freed from this looney house. It's not what they call it but it's a place where the people that aren't whole in the mind go to. So, a looney house.

"Yes, I think I will go today. Thank you for asking me."

The nurse smiled at me as to say _You're welcome_. It's odd. In this place sometimes I think the nurses and doctors are more damaged than the patients. They have seen the worst and know too much for their own good! I feel sorry for them. That's the reason I take my pills. So, I can be okay and get out of here.

They wheeled me to the place. There isn't anything wrong with my legs or feet, by the way. No, it's just easier for them to get us back on a wheelchair should they need to put us to sleep. It wasn't long ago but some nutcase in red hair almost hacked someone's head off. Yes, I did say nutcase despite being bipolar myself and yes, they did make him sleep but then he runaway from here a week later.

Oh yes, I'm very bipolar. That's what the sleeping pills do. At least that's what the nurses said that's what they are for. I don't really know what they are injecting on me sometimes. It's scary but exhilarating. I have to say that those sleeping pills give you the best sleep.

Anyways skipping to my reason of staying here. I have been here for about three or four years. And I can tell you that I have always this problem of getting snappy with people. The problem was when my parents got divorced. I was 4 at the time and would always be one person with my mother and another with my father. This should have perhaps been the starting signals that something was wrong. I don't even know why my parents didn't do anything about this.

So, my parents split and so did my mind. And then, mum married this guy. He was great. Even with me. Dad didn't like him. Well, clearly. You know like he still loved mum. And so, one day I noticed that they were fighting. Mum and her new man, by the way. They were arguing about money I think. So it began getting physical and he hit mum. I was 8 at the time.

So little me, thought it's was part of a relationship. You know, like a way to show your affection. It confused me a lot but I went along with the idea. I was going to school one day and this girl came up to me and told me she liked me. So, I kindly rejected her and then slapped her. Why? Because I still cared about her. It was affectionate. She certainly didn't think so. My dad picked me up from school after maybe like 3 to 4 chats with different adults like two teachers the principal and the school counsellor. I told him everything. Needless to say I never saw my mother. I think she got engaged or something. To the same guy if you were wondering.

Well, they were the only messed up ones apparently though. You remember how I told you about my father? And that he was I love with my mother still? Yeah, well that lead to him somehow using me for his sexual pleasures since I'm the closest thing to my mother. That's when I really broke. I began getting really violent. It turned out that my father was not repulsed at all by aggression. Instead, it did the opposite. Maybe it was the incident with the maid or something but I got here. The maid incident included me removing, my father's, maid's eye with nothing but my fingers.

I'm not excusing myself but simply explaining how my mind _MIGHT_ have broken. Who knows, maybe I'm the most broken one here. That's why I go to group work or socialising. It's basically a way to rectify your way of thinking into a "perfect" way of thinking. I don't wish to be perfect but maybe just enough to get out of here.

"Group work is so fun!"

* * *

><p>I would like to formally apologise if you are scared of what may come of this. It gets dark but I will definitely not mention things that are important. (I scared my editors a bit with this)<p>

I also have chance to explain Alois out there maybe just a bit. Which I think is important because he is so hated in our fandom.

My apologies

Next chapter will be group work

You might want to read it so you can see just how withdrawn Ciel is and how much work Sebastian has.

Thank you for making it all the way over here!

Next chapter won't be so dark/creepy. I promise.

||Ame


	5. Chapter 5

It had been a while since someone new joined the group work. Alois grinned as he came in he instantly began talking with his friend Luka. Luka had been very sweet from the start. Alois knew his reason for being here. He was very interesting. The ginger-haired boy hugged Alois and giggled."Brother, looked very handsome today. I missed you last session. Where were you?"

Apparently there was a small town in the country that was now deserted. They had undergone an attack by a sociopath. That sociopath being the adorable teenager with ginger hair and brown eyes. The boy that was currently hugging Alois. The caramelised sweet voice was what made him all the more adorable and the underling hint of danger in his sweet tiny voice made Alois all the happier to see the boy.

Lukas was little over 13. His face still held its baby fat but you could tell his jaw was becoming sharp and his other features were loosing their babyness. He had been admitted with severe schizophrenia and paranoia. He had been submitted into the hospital at the young age of 10. Authorities aren't sure about his parents whereabouts nor the history of the family. Since the day he met Alois, Luka hasn't left his side.

"I was very ill. I'm sorry Luka. I don't want you to see me when I'm ill. I could hurt you." Alois hugged him tighter. Luka only kissed his cheek and smiled widely.

"It's okay. I will always love you. No matter if you're ill." Alois blushed at this. He did believe that Lukas loved him. And it was the first time someone actually did want him or loved him like this. They were ill but happy together. It made Alois want to stay here all the longer with Lukas and Claude. The boy standing in front of Alois giggled.

"Do you know who else is coming to group work?" Alois asked grinning at the Luka. Luka always knew. It was a habit of his. The boy nodded with a grin.

"There is someone new, the boy from room 936. I hear some nurses saying that this is a big improvement that he is leaving his rooms in the three years he has been here." Lukas sat on Alois' lap and hugged him. Alois grinned.

"What are you thinking, Luka? This boy is very sick yes?" Alois stared at the brown eyes that lid up with having his attention. Luka nodded excitedly.

"He could be our friend. Since we aren't going to leave anyways." Alois spoke and he patted the ginger orange locks. The nurses came in with a few other patience. Other children around their ages came in. The crazed pair minded their own business waiting for the new patient. Among the broken, insane and traumatised there were groups of friendship. Friendship was a rare thing in the world outside the hospital. So this place was like a sanctuary. It allowed the people labeled as "weirdos" and "nutcases" to interact in a stress less environment. There were all mad in here. One way or another, sometimes more than one way.

The door opened and Dr Michaelis walked in pushing a wheelchair with a new face. The very pale porcelain skin made the patient in the wheelchair look like a littler doll in blankets and holding a book. The dull nervous blue eyes were fixed on the window or the floor. The doctor had a grin on his face. The ruby eyes wore his reading glasses. The pair seemed to compliment each other very well.

"That's him." Luka pointed out. Alois stared at the pair that just strolled in. A grin appeared in his face. Luka hugged him a bit tighter and snuggled into his neck. "Y-you aren't going to stop liking me for him, right?" Alois looked at Luka with shock in his eyes.

"I promised you, I wouldn't leave you. I won't leave you for anyone. We are brothers. And brothers stay together." He kissed the boy's head gently relieving the thoughts that were rushing about. Luka smiled beautifully back.

"How are you doing so far, Ciel?" Sebastian asked his patient that hadn't looked his way since they left the comfort of the boy's room. The boy nodded a bit and hugged his book closer to his body along with the blankets. Sebastian could feel he was very unease by the amount of people in the room. All together there was 30 people in a large room. Ciel hadn't been in a room like this with this much people since he was at school. Memories that he wished left him for good.

"Okay. Just tell me when you've had enough. Try to endure as much as you can." The blue eyes glared at the window a little bit. He really didn't like this. He didn't like attention. He didn't like people. No. People where dangerous. To each other or to themselves, Ciel knew the capacity to destroy that humans possessed. He had felt it both from other and himself. Memories being triggered made his breathing speed up and his panicking began internally.

"Hello, I'm Alois and this is Luka. Nice to meet you." The unfamiliar voice drew Ciel out of his panicking. He faced a new dilemma now. A dilemma that was really serious. He couldn't talk. His eyes looked directly at the two pair that were staring at him. If he was going to meet strangers, he wasn't going to let them think he is weak. No, his pride would take it out on him later if he did.

"Good morning, Luka and Alois. This is Ciel." The doctor behind Ciel spoke up. Ciel tried not to look too terrified of the pair. This was just an exercise after all. Luka smiled at him. Alois also smiled.

"Nice to meet you, Ciel." Luka chirped happily on his brother's lap. Ciel nodded. Sebastian watched this exchange. There was a lot of effort being put on by Ciel. He could see how terrified the boy was. It made him smirk internally. Ciel was putting up an act despite being ill and at great discomfort. He was an interesting patient indeed.

"Where do you come from?" Alois asked. Ciel looked around and then up at Sebastian. Sebastian just grinned at him. Ciel shrunk into his seat a bit. Alois stared at the both, feeling his bad side getting annoyed. He giggled a bit which startled Luka a bit. Luka hugged Alois. It seemed to calm the blonde a considerable amount

"Can he talk?" Luka asked curiously at Ciel and then up at Sebastian. Ciel looked to the window. It was a subject he didn't wish to touch it seemed.

"Unfortunately, no." Sebastian spoke as he glanced at Ciel.

"Was his voice taken away?" Ciel glanced back now. The adorable ginger hair bounced about excited and curious. Alois hugged him to make him stop bouncing.

"Sorry, he gets excited quickly." Alois had his arms wrapped around the boy's waist. It was normal for them. Ciel on the other hand didn't really see the normality in closeness like that. Maybe when he was younger but the boys infront of him were teenagers. His thoughts went back into finding a shade proper to describe the sky. The question of his voice been taken away rang back into his head.

'Well, we don't really know what happen. So we can assume it was taken away.' Sebastian mused himself in his thoughts about the boy. Making him have contact with others did bring an air about the boy. It was like he was a beautiful cold blue moon. He was far from everyone yet was admired by those around him.

* * *

><p>Thanks for reading! I finally have this up I had the biggest block with this story OAO But its back on track Thanks to those following this story and reviewing and those lovely individuals putting this story or myself under their favourites~~ Its means a lot and encourages me to write more~~<p>

||Ame


End file.
